2006 Christmas Letter

People of The World:

The world is becoming too easy to navigate: Press a button and a motorized mechanism will close the hatch on the SUV; heated blanket/robes with footies and zippers allow us to take our bed with us when we roll out of the rack; body wash saves us from the laborious task of pushing a bar of soap across our cans; and, of course, slip-on shoes have made bending over a distant memory. The Man is convincing us to be treated like veal—and we’re buying it. The time has come to take the hard path and face this great malaise. So after months of tremulous deliberation and a few days of training, I have embarked on the dream of a lifetime.

It may be hard to believe but after responding to an ad in Street Fighter Magazine I am just weeks away from a fulfilling career as a World Class Ass-Kicker. Early next year I leave for Malaysia where I begin my final training. My manager assures me that within days of arriving at the fighter’s compound I will be prepared to combat opponents that have far more experience, knowledge and physical ability. After a bit of deprivation and a series of regional bouts in SE Asia, I will be fully prepared to unleash my fury upon the Ultimate Fighting world back in the states. Look out Cleveland, here I come!

I am not worried that my lack of street fighting experience will inhibit my rise to greatness in the Ultimate Fighting world. According to my new manager, competing against seasoned martial arts champions who have been training to maim and disfigure since they were 5-years-old is the best way “to hit the ground running” and “learn on the fly.” I am looking forward o putting myself to the challenge. My manager says that I will adjust to the extreme punishment and unbearable pain during these early bouts. I wish sometimes that I would have listened to the voices in my head much earlier; we must never forget to act on our dreams.

Things are happening so fast that it is blowing my mind. We finalized the sale of the house, cashed-out the mutual funds and liquidated the IRA just last week. Hobnobbing among the Ultimate Fighting elite does not come cheap! My manager assures me with the proper financial investment anything is possible. It was hard to cough-up our entire net worth but my manager says it will be a tremendous motivator. Anyway, soon enough I will be kicking ass and making wads of ass kicking cash.

It works out good because Ann Marie will finally be able to shed the chains of oppression that have so plagued her. She has enough of The System. She will pursue her lifelong dream of studying at The Supreme Academy of Non-biometric Thought. As you probably know, The Academy is doing ground-breaking research in sustainable lifestyles based on the timeless artistry of Shields and Yarnell. We feel fortunate to have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the future Salvation of the World. Ann Marie will be living in the main concourse at Berlin International Airport until further notice.

Nina and Peter are experiencing good fortunate as well. They have decided to stay in Ames and continue their education. Although just 10-years-old, Nina has proven very responsible and seems able enough to manage on her own. We have been advised by both my manager and The Academy to give this time to our kids and let them Blossom. So it seems perfectly clear to us that this is the right thing to do. Needless to say, Nina’s Girl Scout skills will be put to the test this winter when she will be forced to find shelter and forage food for herself and her brother. We decided to leave the mini-van with the kids, Nina is tall enough to be an adequate driver and Peter always laughs whenever the airbags deploy. If that doesn’t pan out we also left them a few bus passes and a map.

Merry Christmas, we hope to be back in a while (don’t be surprised if it takes a few years). Keep an eye out for our kids, we left them an address book and some stolen credit cards. Be kind to each other and keep it tuned to Spike TV where I will be ass kicking very soon.