2001 Christmas Letter

To: George W., et al

The White House

From: Joe

I know you’re kind of busy, so I’ll make this quick.

Please let the nations of the world know that my lovely wife, the fruit of my loin and my dog have ceded from the union. I have decreed the birth of a new sovereign nation: Joevanistan. Please don’t take this personally; you’ve got a nice place and I’m a big fan. But the way I figure it, we rarely leave the house anyway and my young appear to be from Pluto, so why not just cut us loose?

From whence there was none, a culture has sprouted. Who am I (or you W) to deny this new society its rightful seat among the table of nations? Let the children of Joevanistan spin around in circles until nauseated, chanting “Underpants, underpants. Eight, nine, ten.”

Joevanistan is a nation where its youngest citizen walks about the country holding his hoo-ha while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This is the pinnacle of his pursuit of happiness. It is a personal freedom enjoyed in no other nation of the world. But if he tries to pull such a stunt outside this nation’s borders, he would surely be persecuted. As a Joevanistanian, Peter will enjoy diplomatic immunity and be able to continue this practice for years to come without fear of reprisal.

Be informed that Crown Princess Nina of Joevanistan is not interested in the creation of this state. This is not say that she is opposed; she just doesn’t care. Her interests are limited to bright shiny things, self-styled interpretive dance and horses. This should not surprise you, as she also believes she is a cat pretending to be a dog. In the future I will encourage, nay mandate, her to travel to your land and seek full citizenship. Take my advice: begin preparations now for this eventuality.

My wife seeks permission to cross the border each day unfettered so she can still work and I would like to work out some kind of ‘international easement’ so I can get to the Dari-Mart without a passport. Without this outside flow of revenue, milk and Diet Pepsi Joevanistan faces imminent ruin.

I will look upon my association with your country and your people with fondness and delight. Your land will forever hold a special spot in Joevanistanian lore. Thank you for your understanding and as we say in Joevanistan: “Merry Christma—Pete! Get that out of your mouth!”