And so it came to pass that I own both a Dave Mathews Band CD and a rotary nose and ear hair trimmer. I have slip-on shoes for nearly any activity and a fanatical reverence for performance fabrics. The sad truth is that I am no different than the jackass I used to ridicule. You remember the guy: he had a ponytail, listened to Sting far too much. Now I find myself balding with cargo pants and in possession of a Dave Mathews Band record that I actually derive pleasure from. I disgust myself.
Needless to say, something had to give. Changes were in order.
A first notable change is my near conversion to Diet Mountain Dew as beverage of choice. At this point I am about 80-20 between DMD and Diet Pepsi. I haven’t had a shift of this magnitude in years. My relationship with Diet Pepsi is nearing its end. This a bittersweet experience since my association withstood the onslaught of seltzer water, Snapple and the recent TAB revival.
Another notable change our move to Iowa this summer. That’s right Iowa. I figured that if I can allow a new artificially sweetened soft-drink into my life I can easily see my family uproot itself and move across the country. Why move to Iowa? The time was right, Iowa State University beckoned and the law was once again catching up.
As for Iowa, everything is great. Baseball, the weather and gravy are all important and valued parts of the culture here. Although Ames is like anyplace else in the nation, Iowa does occasionally rear its quirky head. For instance: We go to church the other Sunday and are surprised to learn that it is the annually anticipated Polka Mass. What is involved in a Polka Mass? Accordions, funny hats, and crazy people in the choir literary whooping it up—it is a full blown polka scene. I half expected to partake in some sacramental beer. The congregation actually bobbed. Imagine a priest behind the altar holding the holy Eucharist above his head singing (to the tune of Roll out the Barrel): This… is… the body… The bah-ahh ahh-ahh-deee of Christ. It is like seeing your parents naked when you were a kid; I am unable to look at these people the same way ever again.
Now that I have safely secured a spot in hell for myself, I guess it would be a good time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Ann Marie, Nina, Peter and I wish for you the best of everything in the coming year. Have a great Christmas with your families.
